To All Of You Slow Ass Drivers Out There…

I don’t know why you drive slow. Maybe you are old and rickety with bad reaction times, maybe the car you are driving is old and rickety with bad reaction times, maybe you can’t see three feet past the hood of your car, or maybe you just don’t give a damn. Whatever the reason, it is your business I suppose to drive how you see fit.

But… There is something you should know. You are creating a situation that inspires other people to react to, many times their reactions being bad decisions.

One of my boys is in high school. He is a senior this year with just a few months left on his sentence. A guy he knows fairly well, they talk cars and guy stuff, he doesn’t come over and hang out or spend the night or anything, they are just school buddies.

This kid and his girlfriend got behind some slow ass the other day. There were two other cars stuck behind Mr. Slow Ass. For whatever reason this kid decides to pass all three cars at once. He hit an oncoming vehicle head on in the other lane killing his girfriend instantly, and he passed shortly after his helicopter ride to Vanderbilt hospital in Nashville. The driver of the other vehicle survived. My boy attended a memorial service at the high school today. Right now he is in his room, very quiet.

Now I will be the first to say this terrible incident (I refuse to use the word accident except in rare cases) was not the fault of our slow ass driver. This kid took his chances when he made the pass, as we all do when it is time to pass a slow ass. Nope it was not the slow asses fault. but this slow ass and all of his slow ass buddies need to know that they create dangerous scenarios like this every single day. The thing that really ticks me off is, after a terrible incident such as this, they probably walk around oblivious to their part in the tragedy.

Not thirty minutes ago I was on my way home from picking up the wife at work. We got behind a slow ass. There were five cars behind this slow ass. Four were bunched up right behind him, the fifth was holding back leaving a couple of car lengths between him and the slow train. Well a passing zone presented itself and four of the five cars got around the slow ass. Leaving the slow ass, the content guy stuck behing the slow ass (he did not bother passing the slow ass even though there was plenty of clear straightaway) and me. There was a hill coming up, and I knew I could not get around them both safely, so I decided to pass Mr. Content, then get around the slow ass with the next opportunity.

Just as I got abreast of Mr. Content, the slow ass slowed, then flashed his signal indicating a left turn, with me quickly gaining on him. If it weren’t for the fact that Mr. Content had some decent following distance this could have turned out badly. As it is I owe Mr. Content an apology, as well as a thank you. I have had much closer calls than this, but this was a little too close for comfort.

And I will bet you a cheap cup of coffee and a donut that the slow ass probably doesn’t even have a freakin clue how close he was to being involved in an incident.

Every day I am out on the highways. Every day I see slow asses. Every day I pass some slow ass. Every day I see the situations setup by slow asses. Almost every day I see people making bad decisions and many times I see close calls that could have been really bad incidents because of some slow ass.

I just want to take a moment and tell you slow asses that you are not entirely innocent when bad things happen. You are not as benign as you think you are. You are the chaos factor, floating around without a clue, setting up bad scenarios every time you hit the highway. Dense, thick headed and oblivious, I fail to see the entitlement you recieve to act the way you do. Every day that goes by I see you more and more as the threat to everyones safety that you really are.

Let me state clearly that I am not the kind of driver that has to get everywhere in a damned hurry. No, I am content to do 60 – 63 in a 55 zone, I know my chances of getting a ticket increase as I approach 10 mph over the limit. I have no desire to drive fast, I just have no wish to be held hostage by some sum bitch doing 40-45 in a 55. And half of them can’t even be consistent at that. Oh no, it will be 45, then 40, then down to 35, then back up to 45. It is maddening when you get behind these people. It is no wonder other drivers make the bad choices they do when faced with being stuck behind these slow asses.

I have come to the opinion that people that drive should be subjected to some sort of test that checks for vision, reaction times, and competency (well beyond memorizing the traffic laws). This test should be mandatory for getting a license to drive and then taken every 5 years after you hit 50 years of age. I would be the first in line to take my test, and gladly hand over my right to drive if and when I fail this test.

It will never happen though. I know that a slow ass has a certain freedom in this country to be a slow ass. I also know there is no law against being a slow ass. But I do wonder, how many head on collisions or other incidents and near misses are the result of a scenario setup by a slow ass? I would bet a 5 dollar cup of coffee that this statistic, if it were kept, would be staggering. I have a hunch it is a scary number.

Now I have to fight the urge to knock on this slow asses door tomorrow morning and tell him what I think of his driving. Writing this, I can tell the fire has dwindled a bit. But next time you see a slow ass, think of this post. Take a good look at what you see happening, and please come back and tell me what you see. Or if you have a tale I’d love to hear it.

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