07.29.20
by

How The Lack of Brown Sugar Caused the End of the World

I decided today was the day I was going to make some homemade potato soup and some fresh bread to go with it. Oh my gosh it’s such a great meal. Well to get started I have to get the bread going because it’s a three hour thing getting the bread made, and that’s cheating with a bread machine. But I don’t mind cheating, in fact if our old bread machine goes south I’ll immediately be looking to replace it. Anywho…

I warm the milk and put it in the bread machine pan, then add the 2.5 cups of bread flour, then toss in .75 cup of old fashioned oatmeal. Time for the brown sugar. 2 tablespoons of brown sugar, I go to the container on the counter where I have stored the brown sugar. I know exactly where it’s at. Where it’s been  for the last 3000 freaking years, and it isn’t there. It’s no longer where it has been for the last 3000 years and I’m looking at the clock, it’s all about timing putting a supper together and still have time to grab a quick shower before I have to head out and pick up the wife.

I look in the cabinets low and high. I look in places no one even ought to look for brown sugar. I check the cabinets again, then a couple more times just to make double damn sure. The brown sugar is nowhere to be found.

I recall the wife recently rearranging things in the kitchen. I am certain she has put the brown sugar in some ridiculous place I haven’t thought to look. I’ve been looking now for what seems like 45 mintues and my irritation is growing and the clock just keeps ticking. So I text the wife “Pardon me but where is the GD Brown sugar?!” She replies “what?” I’m like how could I possibly phrase it any clearer? I respond “Brown freaking sugar, where the heck is it?”

So she calls me. “What’s the deal?” I say I am looking for the brown sugar, where the hell is the brown sugar? My voice no doubt becoming notably irritated. In fact she says to me “don’t be yelling at me!” I said honey, I’m not yelling at you ok? I’m just yelling in general at this point. Then she says “have you looked in the container on the counter? “Yes! Yes I have looked there! At least three times! And everywhere else! Where did you put the brown sugar?”

She hesitates for a moment, “Oh didn’t our son use the brown sugar the other day?” I do recall he made some brownies for his girlfriend… The wife says “look for the recipe and see if his recipe called for brown sugar.” I could really care less at this point if the ding dang recipe calls for brown sugar ok? But regardless I spend more precious time looking for the ding dang recipe just because if I don’t I’ll have to keep answering the question “did you find the recipe?”

Well one of the boys has sensed my extreme irritation, no doubt clued by the stream of cussing bouncing off the walls. He finds the recipe! Well what do you know the recipe called for 1/2 cup of… brown sugar! Aha!

My boy had quite likely used the last bit of brown sugar making his girlfriend some brownies, and he neglected to inform anyone that an important household ingredient needs to be replaced.

Reality sets in. I am not going to be able to go to town and get the damn brown sugar and be back in time to get this meal off the ground. Fuck it! Just fuck it, no bread, no soup, will just have to figure something else out. I apologize to the wife and we part our phone conservation on good terms.

Well now I have this bread machine pan half full of ingredients I cannot put back in their containers. Yep that ship has sailed. So I figure I’ll take it out back and toss it all in the woods on the backside of the pond. So that’s what I did. I came back inside to clean the bread machine pan and I realized the little paddle that goes down in the bottom of the pan went over the backside of the pond when I tossed it out!

Jeebus damn frickety Christ! It was this moment I realized if I had the nuclear codes I’d probably just hit every damn red button on my desk. Thereby ending the world as we know it.

So, ya’ll make sure you have brown sugar ok? And make sure the orange idiot has brown sugar, or Big Macs, or triple cheesburgers with a side of lies too. The world is too important!

P.S. I texted my brownie making son with a shortened version of this story then asked him, “Think you can grab some damn brown sugar on the way home from work?”

He came in with 3 bags 😉

 

 

14 thoughts on “How The Lack of Brown Sugar Caused the End of the World”

  1. There’s a song about that, isn’t there? Something about, “Yes Sir, Yes Sir, three bags full?”

    … which answers the question, “did you use up the last of the brown sugar?” with “Wool….”

    Yup. It all fits.

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  2. Now I’m trying to imagine a scenario where my kitchen doesn’t have something that would substitute for brown sugar in a bread recipe in a pinch. I know I have white sugar, turbinado sugar, honey, molasses, sorghum molasses, and honey powder. That’s off the top of my head, without actually looking in my cupboards to see what else would work. I guess I have a sugar problem!

    (White cane sugar is just brown sugar with the molasses removed. So if you have white sugar around, and any molasses in your pantry, you can make brown sugar.)

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  3. Hello ShellDigger. With two cooks in the family we use to have this issue all the time. Then I got a magnetic white board for the refrigerator to write needed supplies on. We liked it so much we add two more magnetic white boards. Now things are much better kept track of, the only problem is getting to the grocery store only to realize we left the list on the counter near the fridge. Good luck with your next meal. Hugs

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    • Ahh the organizer conundrum. I am all to familiar. No matter how well you use an organizer, or take notes, or write stuff down, if you fail in one little step in the organizing, such as bringing the list/organizer with you, the organizing was useless.

      I am admittedly too unorganized to use an organizer. In any format. Even if I hastily scribble a note it somehow disappears the moment I need it. This pocket? Nope. This pocket? Nope. Wallet? Nope. In my sock? Nope.

      If my notes are ever seen again it’s usually where I wrote it, or some place I set it down while I was looking for something else.

      I do the same thing with my glasses all the time.

      Hugs back at ya Scottie

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  4. Oh. My. Gawd!!!! That was toooo funny! I literally laughed out loud when I read the part about the missing paddle.

    I even had to read it to my other-half and he agreed … pretty damn funny!

    P.S. So sorry you never got to make your bread … 🤭 Better luck next time?

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    • I’m pleased you got a good giggle out of it. As this all happened yesterday, I have enough time behind me now, I think it’s funny too, and I meant for it to come off funny 🙂

      So, somebody gets it 🙂

      I have 3 bags of brown sugar now, so knock on my door if you are running low. And we will have some potato soup and fresh bread soon I’m sure.

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  5. Just like Nan, this has had me laughing out loud. You are a funny fellow, my friend and yes, you should always have your brown sugar. We don’t want the world ending. Not. Just. Yet

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    • Glad you found some humor in this 🙂

      It is difficult to see the humor in the moment I can assure you! I have probably used up my monthly allotment of cuss words in that one incident. Good thing there’s only one day left in the month 🙂

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